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Befriending Flux

Initially I intended for this blog to go live on March 15, 2014. I intended to create a space where I could explore my life in transition. I hoped my transitions included a cross-country move, new employment, and a fresh lifestyle. Those were the plans and intentions, and they may still come to fruition, even on the intended schedule. But today, in this moment, it seems very unlikely.

In the midst of intentions, hopes, and plans comes the involuntary ebb and flow of life. Today, life brought me chaos in the form of my husband losing his job. His loss is our loss, and we share this burden together. It might not be impossible for us to move and find new jobs by the time we initially hoped (April, 2014), though it is now highly unlikely. But just because it may not happen on our timetable, it doesn’t mean that it won’t happen at all. And maybe the extra time it will take will prepare us even more to make this massive change.

The 2007-2010 version of me wouldn’t have written a blog about change or transitions. To say that I didn’t handle change well is a gross understatement. But since 2010, I’ve learned to practice mindfulness, and though life still unsettles me on occasion, I am much stronger and steadier through the waves of change as they inevitably come crashing down on me.

Regardless of when we move or how it all comes together in the end, I will have to live my life in the meantime. Until today, I felt like my life was on hold until we completed our move, and I was counting down the days. Now that it’s all on hold and likely postponed for a minimum of six months, I realize how silly it is to think that I should stop any part of my life for some magic moment.  So I’ll get back to living. It may not exactly be the fresh start I wanted exactly when I wanted it, but it is a start nonetheless.

So instead of crying or being upset with my husband for his part in losing his job, I accept that it happened, and I understand that we must live in this current state now. Of course I experienced sadness and anxiety when he initially told me, and I recognized it without judging myself. It’s neither okay nor is it not okay. It just is. This just happened today. It is reasonable to experience anxiety in reaction to this situation. But before I allowed myself to get lost in it, I made a conscious decision to return to living life. We had a lovely dinner with a great friend, and we spent the evening laughing and playing games together. At times in the midst of our joy tonight, my anxiety about our situation crept in, and I recognized it without judgment. Then I let it go. Every time my worry came back tonight, I repeated the process: feel it, recognize it, let it go, return to life. Hopefully I carry this with me through the coming days. Hopefully, I will befriend my current state of flux.