impermanence

Bilocated Flux

Astral Projection by ibon16, deviantArt

Astral Projection by ibon16, deviantArt

When I started this blog over seven months ago, I had so many words to express all of my anticipation at the new life just on the cusp of budding. But the very day I created this space to collect and reflect on these epic changes in my life, I came home to find that my beloved had lost the job that was moving us across the country. It was a punch in the gut to say the least.

My husband quickly rebounded with an even better job, which allowed us to stay resolute about our intended move and only extended our plan by six months; and we continued to follow our intentions with actions. We signed a six-month lease on a much cheaper place. We paid off debts. We upgraded my decade-old, small car in need of repair to a newer, roomier, and more reliable vehicle that will offer a better quality trip across the country. We have also been pairing down our belongings, a process which began in preparation for our original departure date, and which we have continued these last seven months. (Side note: I think only moving and death make us take real inventory of the things occupying space in our lives. The process of giving away most of our belongings has inspired me to be much more discriminating before amassing them again.)

We had taken these active steps toward creating this massive change in our lives, but when it came to finding a place to call home; it was much harder to commit. A great first step in finding a place to live is finding a job, which is nearly impossible to manage from across the country all on its own; but it is even more challenging because listing myself as looking for new employment, even across the country, would mean risking my current job. Even at the end of July we still didn’t have any idea where we were going to live, and I was definitely stressing about the lack of viable job opportunities in the city we had chosen. But I had to set aside my worries about our still undetermined future so I could be present in the life I’m currently living. I’ve had to do this over and over these last six months. It hasn’t been a fun experiment in mindfulness. It’s been nerve-wracking, and my anxiety is at an all time high as a result. Maybe that means I’m failing at it; but that is the judgment in me speaking, and I don’t think mindfulness and judgment exist in the same moments.

Sometimes I think if all of this happened suddenly, it may be easier to manage. At the very least, it would all be in the here and now. As it is, it feels like I’m living a half-life. The part of my life I’m putting most of my thought and energy and attention toward is mostly undefined, and it exists in a time and place akin to a dream I’m desperate to remember. All the while, my real, very defined life goes on in spite of this future I’m putting so much time and energy into.

In a perfectly timed response to my worry in July, we solidified our living arrangements in August, thanks to the generosity and ingenuity of my beloved’s family. Shortly after, my husband shared our plans to move with his boss. He took a ginormous risk telling her so far in advance, but it paid off because she offered him a work from home option in return. In about three weeks, we went from actively following our intentions without even a glimmer of hope that it would all work out to validation and reassurance that we were making the right move in our lives.

At this point, we have a place to live, and my husband has a job. We have a plan to get from here to there with lots of fun stops along the way. Until then, I still have to chop wood and carry water to keep this whole thing going. Here’s hoping I can manage keeping both feet in the same place and stay focused on life as it comes.